Accustomed to Disappointment
Illustration by Carolyn Burt | The Corsair
In January 2020, my new year started with high hopes. I was receiving strong grades in my classes, was in a healthy workout routine, was eating better, and had a close group of friends I saw regularly.
On top of that, I found out I had been admitted to California State University, Northridge (CSUN) for their Journalism program starting in the Fall. It was a major milestone in my life and I was eager to finish my final semester at Santa Monica College (SMC), where I was about to become a staff writer for The Corsair. My life finally felt like it was on track.
On March 11, 2020, SMC made the announcement that classes would be moving online, and the following day we had our last day of on ground classes. I sat amongst my classmates, no social distancing, no masks, but with an eerie feeling of how the world was changing around us.
Looking back now, the logical decision would’ve been to not attend class that day, to prevent exposure to the virus. Instead, I went to campus, looking for reassurance from my professors about how we were moving forward with the semester. One of my professors even encouraged us to remain hopeful, that we might be able to return to campus before the semester was over.
Painting a picture of that first month in lockdown, I think back to the lines that wrapped through the parking lot and around Costco, arriving hours before the store even opened. Barren shelves of essentials items that had already been out of stock for weeks. People panic buying anything they could to get them through the next few weeks.
Los Angeles, a once-lively city, felt empty, with streets and freeways absent of cars and traffic. The mindset at the time was to sanitize everything, keep distance, and stay inside. We were encouraged to keep our time outdoors limited, so I began going on a daily walk around my neighborhood for a change of pace. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention put out a guidance recommending people to wear masks, and a few weeks after that that counties started requiring they be worn.
On May 12, the day before I was set to meet with my academic advisor at CSUN, it was announced that California State University was going to have all their campuses remain remote for the Fall 2020 semester. I had known it was coming, but hearing it as an official statement added to the reality that things weren’t going back to normal anytime soon.
While I was disappointed, I accepted it. At that point I thought we’d “flatten the curve” over the summer, and that by spring we’d be able to be on ground. I tried to find the positives in the situation; that I could take my classes from anywhere, and that I could return to The Corsair for another semester.
But as I completed my virtual orientation of CSUN, I couldn’t help but focus on all of the things I’d be missing out on. Studying in the library, getting a workout done at the rec center, using nap pods between classes. The simple moments of getting to class five minutes before it starts, setting up your workspace, and chatting with your peers around you about how tough last night's assignment was or just checking in about their weekend.
I’m reminded constantly of how lucky I am, but some days it doesn’t feel that way. College, while an incredible experience, is a challenge in itself. But there’s a balance from the academics that comes with it — a social aspect such as going to sporting events, meeting up with friends at the coffee shop, or other ways of getting involved on campus.
Instead, for the past year, California college students have had their room become their one stop shop for academics and leisure time, making it harder to mentally switch from one subject to another or clock in and out of “work mode.”
It’s no wonder we're burnt out. It’s hard not to feel disappointed and robbed of what could’ve been. For one year we’ve had goals put on pause and big plans cancelled. We’ve had to adapt the best we can, while being expected to produce the same results we would in person. We’re fighting for our future while trying to let go of what we had envisioned it to be.
As L.A. County begins to reopen, I get flashbacks to last summer where everything shutdown again just a month later. I can’t help but think selfishly, that a rush to reopen could mean a delay in normalcy. Another year of online learning for myself, and all of my fellow students who transferred in 2020, would mean graduating from our universities having never set foot on campus. We’re trying to make the most of our education, but this isn’t what any of us envisioned getting our degrees would look like. Just because we’ve adjusted to this online environment, doesn’t mean we’re content with the hardships we’ve had to face.
