Animal Pharm Invasion

Unless you've been living under a rock or hiding from the tyrannical government on a swamp in the Degobah system, you've probably heard about the H1N1 Virus aka Swine Flu. Why is there so much attention being given to H1N1?

Aren't there two wars we still need to pull out of and another in Iran to be averted? 

What happened to the pressing social issues we're trying to overcome in the country with the increasingly polarized class structure, immigration and gay rights? 

Maybe Swine Flu is a publicity stunt thrown by world leaders and supposed medical professionals to bring us all together and unify in fear of a common foe? Could be, who knows? 

It may very well be some twisted Tuskegee project commissioned by megalomaniacs to turn us all into half-dead flu-zombies! 

Imagine this: the 0.01 percent of germs that survive the anti-bacterial hand sanitizer somehow cross mutate with H1N1 virus, finding its way to a host suffering from necrophilia. 

This deranged germ factory finds their way into the anatomy lab where one of many cadavers at SMC is held for scientific research.

This campus corpse is then re-animated by the genetic juices of living mutant virus and sanitizing surviving super germs. Flu-zombies anyone?

The end is approaching after all, and paranormal activity is at its peak this week!

How do we arm ourselves from such an onslaught of the living dead? Will injecting ourselves with the virus protect us from its dangers or fall us victim to the most unholy of its manifestations? 

Either way it seems we're getting the pointy end of the prick but fortunately we've been conditioned to be cool with it.

Like the normal flu, H1N1 generally passes from person to person through sneezes, coughs, and dirty doorknobs. Fun fact: the average person comes into indirect contact with 15 penises a day from touching door handles. Who knows how much of that man-junk is carrying the flu. 

Even more strikingly similar to the normal flu, many who become vaccinated against H1N1 generally experience mild flu-like symptoms. 

The symptoms typically do not incapacitate a person, thus allowing them to operate in work and school environments making them ripe for passing it on to others. 

Doctors commonly say that catching the disease and fighting through it strengthens your immunity more than inoculations. I got over the flu in three days with the help of sleep, chicken noodle soup and 7-up. 

It's the cure-all. Just sweat it out, cuddle up with your warmest blanket and watch "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" or something. Who's to say we shouldn't be more afraid of the vaccine than the actual disease? 

Most places, like the SMC Health Center, will provide the vaccine for free. Normal flu shots are being sold for $25 at the grocery store. 

Now if you're still afraid of the H1N1 flu, there are some statistics that may frighten you even more. 

While 36,000 people die from the common flu every year, which is slightly less than 100 people a day according to the CDC, 44,000 people die in traffic related accidents. 

This means that every 12 minutes a person and a motor vehicle intersect unfavorably for some poor mortal crossing the street or riding a school bus.

Officials across the country are trying to convince us that injecting ourselves with swine flu will save us from it. You may be saying, "But wait, isn't there one they got without needles and stuff?"

 Yes they do! For those of you who have trypanophobia, they have a live virus they spray into your sinuses. 

Hey, hold on a second… doesn't the flu attack your sinuses? 

All of these abstract ideas and falsely drawn conclusions are making my head spin. Or is it the running nose and heavy congestion I'm experiencing? It could be the fever. 

Since H1N1 came around sometime last year only 4,000 people have died from it in the whole freaking world. 

That's just as many people who die in the U.S. every year from drowning. Maybe the drought isn't such a bad thing after all. 

Hasn't it been reported that H1N1 will suddenly blow up and infect everyone who isn't prepared? Maybe, let's shoot everyone in the arm and face with a tiny bit of Swine Flu just to be careful? 

After all, you'll need every ounce of strength you can muster to fight off the real-life bad guys like Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein's monster may finally come out of your closet and from under your bed while the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Jesus are too busy having a tea party in your attic to save you.